Titan Guy

only topic until tonight.

• Titan Guy

This man, which I refer to the Rapist among my family, is a man that has a kid at my baby sister's school. For the sake of this blog and the meanness of the name, we shall refer to him as Titan Guy. I'll explain why in a bit.

This story starts off last year when I was walking my sister to her school. Occasionally Ill take her, we'll study for tests. Rainy days, hot days or days where our legs hurt, Mom usually takes over and I get to sleep in. :)

Anywhooo, one day I'm heading back and this guy flags me down as I reach the corner of the block. As I walk often, I say good morning to everyone, smile when I pass by and have also helped many when they get lost. The strip of area where I walk by has many offices that look like homes and that's enough to confuse even the most gifted map-reader. I walk towards the car (which is a gray Nissan Titan hence his name), innocently as hell, expecting this man to be lost. 

He speaks Spanish, so all conversations shall be translated to English since we live in America and I won't be taking time to write in Spanish anyways.

He puts the window down and shakes my hand.

Titan Guy: "Hello."

Me: "Hey."

Titan Guy: "Hey I just wanted to tell you that I've seen you walk often around by these parts and I was wondering if we could be friends or something."

Uh, hold up.

1. Hey, Titan Guy, I don't hit on many Walkers (people who walk places) often, (actually, I've never hit on a walker because ALL Walkers tend to be grandma/pa + parent ages) but saying "I've seen you walk often around by these parts" is straight up creepy.What, have you been watching me? For how long? Do you know my route? My schedule? My uniform for each day?
2. What the hell is "or something?" What does that mean? Best friends? Is that what you're getting at? Cause you're a dad. What about a wife? What, am I your pathetic attempt for cheating? A Walker? Can't get it at the local clubs so you come to me?

Me: "No." At this point I backed away from the car.

Titan Guy: "Why, are you married?"

Me: "Yeah." And have 3 kids, a four bedroom two-story house, a German Shepard called Rocky..

Rocky and you, if you keep following me around.

Titan Guy: "Me too. They don't have to find out."

1. Really? Did you really just say that?

Me: "No." I continued my walking and left.

He left as well, in the opposite direction. 

That night when I told my mom about the event, she told me not to shake his hand or anyone else's hands anymore in a car.She said that you never know if they  have a needle and they stab you with it and it has some  thing that will put me to sleep or he could pull me in and kidnap me. Hmm, could that be too much Criminal Minds? Maybe. Or it could also be that people do stupid, deadly stuff anyways. For the sake of my safety, I got his tags, made sure I knew his car to a T (until he sold it and I was screwed yet again) and got the number of the towing company he had on his shirt. 

"Hmmm I feel like hitting on some Walkers today... hey, there's one!"

That was last year. Since school started this time I hadn't seen him around.. until today.

I dropped off baby sister and spotted him in the distance. He was far as hell too, past the main office, about a good hundred feet from me. I have horrible distance vision, unless its for creepy people that follow you around and want to become "more-than-friends" with you. Then I have eagle/ falcon/ hawk eyes. Try me.

I made sure she walked past him and he didn't approach her, and then I turn and darted out of sight.

I was half way to the corner of the school when I heard someone walk quickly behind me. I walked faster. I looked at the shadow constantly. This person was right behind me. I'm sure if I would have stopped suddenly, whoever it was would have crashed into me.

The footsteps got louder and nosier and abrupt, so I stepped off to the left and looked to the right, to find myself staring into the eyes of..

BARNEY.

(Well, more like eye because he has a patch over one.)

Nah not really. I found myself staring into the eyes of Titan Guy. (That photo was just so funny I had to share it.)

First, something to contemplate.

1. DID YOU RUN? I swear to god you were far as hell from me. Answer me honestly, did you run? You did, didn't you? You freak.

He struck up conversation, translated into English for our convenience. 

Titan Guy: "Hey."

Me: oh god. "Hello."

Titan Guy: "How are you?"

Me: "Good." freak.

Titan Guy: "Do you do exercise?"

Me: "Yes I do."

Titan Guy: "I can tell, your body looks more defined."

Now, let me explain this: as this was in Spanish, he said my body was more formadita. (Formed.) Formadita and gordita (fat) sound the same when you have a headphone in that ear. So I clearly heard fat.

Me: "FAT?" I scoffed. Some balls.

Titan Guy: "No no defined!"

Me: "Huh. Right."

Titan Guy: "You're very pretty."

Me: "Thank you."

Titan Guy: "What's your name?"

Me: "Samantha."

(Samantha Perez is my alias name for situations like this or where I'm acting stupid with other people.)

Titan Guy: "Samantha is a pretty name too."

Me: Really? I wouldn't know. My name is Jessica. "Thanks."

We reached his new car which looked like an Accord but I didn't stare. As he went to open the door, he continued.

Titan Guy: "I wanted to talk to you.. um.."

I walked backwards facing him as he said that, but then turned and continued on my path.

As I reached the next corner, I saw that he wasn't behind me. That was because he was turning the curb in front of me. He stopped the car and I stayed distant, paranoid from Criminal Minds and needles filled with sleeping killer liquid. He lowered the window.

Titan Guy: "I was just wondering if we could be friends."

Dude. Don't you have any other friends? That are like.. your age maybe?

Me: "No."

Titan Guy: "But why not?"

Me: "How old are you?"

Titan Guy: "38."

I could not resist laughing. 38? I'm not even allowed to legally drink, and you want to be my friend? What are we going to do, go to the movies? Take a walk in the park? Are you gonna bring your son over and have homework parties with my little sister? Is this some kind of a joke?

Titan Guy: "How old are you??"

Me: "I'm 18!" I continued to laugh. 

Titan Guy: "18! I thought you were 21, 22."

Now you're calling me old-looking? When was the last time you hit on someone? Did you forget the basic rules of the game?

Titan Guy: "But you're legal now anyways, you're an adult."

Yeah run that game.

Me: "No way! I am legal but no!" meaning, you're too old!

Titan Guy: "Is it cause of the age?"

Yes. Yes it is actually. That and your incessant need to flag me down to say hi and ask to be my friend.

Me: "Don't you have a kid?" What would your kid think! What would my sister think! What would my friends think! What would I be thinking!!!! What are you thinking?!

This is clearly what he is thinking.

Titan Guy: "Yes, don't you have a daughter?"

Oh what the hell are you trying to say? First I look old. Now I'm trashy and had a kid when I was young?

Me: "NO!"

Titan Guy: "Oh that's your sister?"

Me: "Yeah.."

Titan Guy: "So you aren't going to give me your phone number?"

No, I actually decided to wait a year before I gave it to you. YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU MY NUMBER.

Me: "No."

Titan Guy: "Wow you're mean. Que abusadora."

Yeah, okay.

Titan Guy: "Okay I guess I'll keep being your friend around here." As in, you are gonna give me your phone number one day little girl. By then I shall have memorized rejection hotline's number.

Me: "Alright, see you around."

And that was my morning today. 

Now my grandma is coming to pick me up to go vaccinate my poor doggy.

:(